February 2, 2025
I was reflecting back on a post I made on July 8, 2023. Reading the words. Looking at the photos. Realizing, wow. A lot has changed in a year and a half.
In those photos I looked happy. With my babies, the bright lighting, a tan and bright blonde hair. ‘Proving’ to ‘the world’ that I was ‘that girl’ and validating myself with my own words. A facade.
In theory, what I was saying wasn’t (at the time) to be in a negative tone. I thought I was ‘standing my ground’ and ‘being inspirational.
But now, I see those words and can feel how broken my spirit was when I typed them. I was hurt. I was a hurt person. A broken soul.
Fulfilled by things that weren’t truly fulfilling. I had always been a Christian. But I wasn’t living like one. I was anxious, depressed, in the depths of alcoholism. Complete. Destruction. Mode. I wanted to destroy everything. Friendships, my marriage, my career, motherhood and ultimately myself. I had zero faith. It’s sad because in this moment, I truly can feel the hurt behind my eyes in that post and behind the words that I wrote.
I wanted to recreate those photos. The littles not so little anymore.
Pale (hey it is January, give me a break). Not feeling my ‘prettiest’ per say. But rejoicing in the new will God has provided me. The grace He has shown me. The strength He has given me to overcome addiction and start one by one facing my inner battles head on instead of shielding them with fancy things, nice dinners, false relationships and craft cocktails. Admitting, I am broken.
Acknowledging my faults instead of pushing them on everyone else
(I was a rockstar at projection). I want to grow. I want to be a better version of me.
Last year was one of the hardest years of my life (especially health wise, we will leave that be for now). But it was also one of the best in some ways. I became raw. I let myself feel emotions. Stopped thinking of emotions as weakness. I opened myself up to new friendships. I let go of anger and resentment. I’m simply healing.
It’s only just the beginning.
I’m still just steps off of the starting line and far, far away from the finish. Is there a finish? I know I will never be perfect. Maybe that’s the point. Realizing there is no finish line. But doing my best to show God’s love through my words, my actions, my parenting, my marriage, my friendships, and so much more.
If you’re new to my page, I’m so glad you are here.
And if you have been here a while, thank you for sticking with me. Through the peaks and valleys of life.
I promise to always be true to myself and to my audience that I am blessed to have on this special platform. One that truly does fulfill the creative side of me. One of my favorite parts of myself.
And if you’ve made it this far, thank you for taking the time out of your day to read as a jot down the racing thoughts in my head. God bless you. I love you. And thank you.